Remember when we first met? Haha! Of course you don’t. But as your mom, that day was and is one of the most unforgettable days of my life.
It was the first (and only, so far) surgery I had and I was really scared. I even asked one of the nurses if I could poop while waiting for the doctor because I was so, so nervous. I just laugh at myself everytime I remember that, such an embarassing mom. Haha.
It was around ten minutes after I arrived to the operating room when my doctor came (don’t worry, I didn’t have an active and painful labor, thank God you were a good girl) and I knew that was it. That was the moment. The anesthesiologist did his thing, people started to attach cables on me, tied me on the operating table, and then I started hearing the steels on steels that made me imagine how sharp these scalpels would be. And then I felt your father’s hand on my head, and everything suddenly felt safe.
I knew my doctor and her assistant were busy getting you out there, I could see my cut’s reflection on the cieling, I literally could feel your head coming out from my tummy, I felt your umbilical cord stretching, I heard the anesthesiologist say “cry!”. You didn’t even let him finish saying the word when I heard your first cry.
I’ve been through a lot when I was pregnant, that I was so scared I might lose you. But you were so strong, so brave, and that made me proud. The moment we first met, all my worries and fears were just gone. My heart was filled with happiness and pride and love.
Today is your fifth month birthday. Time indeed flies so fast. I always say I am very excited to see you grow up, grow older, but sometimes I just want you to stay young, innocent, full of love. But life doesn’t go that way. Years from now, from being a tiny little princess, you will become a warrior. From being a girl, you will become a lady. From being an innocent baby, you will become a brave, strong, kind, smart woman, and through all of your journey, I will be there.
It’s been seven months since I wrote my first open letter for you. I know I will be going to lose you for when you already want your own life, or for when you already met your prince. I know we’ll stop talking to each other soon, and you will find your own special outlet for all your secrets and thoughts. But I want you to remember I am and will always be here for you no matter what. We can write letters for each other, or we can talk, or we can just soend time with each other and not talk about our secrets. Whatever.
My dearest, I’m sorry for the wrong things I’ve done. I apologize in advance for all the mistakes I will make and all the things I will say. I am sorry for the dramas and things I say that I know would hurt you. I have my own shit to deal with and I am learning, and please know that I am doing my best to be a better mom.
I feel blessed and grateful, for all the things that scared me the most are now my biggest inspirations. I love you, my princess. Remember that I will always be here to love you unconditionally and guide you to be the warrior that I am. Happy 5th month!