May Day: when confidence is silent and insecurities are loud + some things worth sharing

I wrote this crappy little article on my Tumblr blog waaaay back, talking about my lack of confidence and insecurities. Honestly, I can’t understand my words before, but I get the point – I was insecure and I was feeling guilty for myself.

Today, as inspired with an article from Dr. Melanie Greenberg, I’m sharing my stories and thoughts again with hopefully well-written words, or at least better than how I wrote it before.

Insecurity driven by perfectionism that leads to social anxiety

I have lots of curvy and sexy Facebook friends and, honestly, I envy their perfectly fit bodies, so I tried working on my own. As I scroll down my Instagram feed, I see these influencers enjoying wonderful products from big brands, so I bought stuff and posted them as if I got them directly from certain brands. Whenever I log in to LinkedIn, I see connections leveling up their career, attending huge workshops, earning CPE points, so I enrolled to some online courses just so I could update my profile. While on Twitter, and I see this lame post with thousands of likes so I re-posted it instead of just re-tweeting.

Some people are just pretty, smart, or wealthy with money, and it’s not their fault they are. What’s wrong is that people are setting their standards way up high for every thing other people do or posses.  People are seeing themselves as “losers” because they think a huge number of likes on social media sets the ano bang dapat and ano bang pangit.

See, we all have insecurities and what ifs. Some of us stay jealous, some drag people down because they can’t get any higher, some work for it, some feel encouraged. Sometimes, we just want things not because we really want them, but because we see other people having them.

People say I’m pretty, smart, kind, and funny. And I thank them for boosting my confidence. They say I am brave, that I am doing a great job, they think I am an inspiration. Well news flash: I have insecurities, too.

Lack of confidence because of social standards

I hate that my hair is not as perfect as people expects from a lady. I hate that I cannot speak English fluently. I hate that I am too thin, while my tummy looks saggy. I hate that my batchmates already have professional titles. I hate that I can’t reach a thousand followers on IG.

I think those insecurities are stupid, too. I know I am jealous of some stuff I see from other people, but I don’t step on people just to get my way to what I think is the definition of a “perfect life”. Not to mention we have different reactions to those.

I feel ugly, but it’s okay because looking pretty is not that important to me. I work in a multinational company so I need to get better in speaking English. I can enroll and get myself titles but I don’t have time because of where I am now (which I am very thankful for). Part of my job is to spread awareness and influence and encourage, so I need to grow my network.

When I’m still a kid, I never thought of “battling” to be one of those “perfect” girls people see. But as I grow older, I learned that I don’t need people to like me. I don’t need to feel discouraged just because I’m just here and my IG friend is waaaay up there. I don’t need to feel intimidated by labels from anyone’s name.

Insecurities coming from past failures and rejection

Ha! Ito nanaman tayo. As we all know, my heart is still in tiny broken pieces. As corny as is sounds, I hate to discuss more about it already. I guess I just got tired talking about it but honestly, it made my confidence shrink to it’s smallest form. What was wrong with me? Did I miss something? Was I too much? What did I do to make him do that? I hate it, but it affected me real bad, not just around men, but also around everyone and everything. It affected my responsibilities as a mom, it affected my responsibilities as a daughter, it affected my job, it affected my relationship with my friends.

I’m lucky I endured the pain quicker than I expected. Thanks to the people who listened and encouraged me to move on, forgive, and love again. Thanks to my daughter, who has zero idea on what’s happening and unconsciously making me happy every single day. Thank God for guiding me back to where and when I appreciate life.

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“There will always be someone willing to hurt you, put you down, gossip about you, belittle your accomplishments and judge your soul. It is a fact that we all must face. However, if you realize that God is a best friend that stands beside you when others cast stones you will never be afraid, never feel worthless and never feel alone.”  ― Shannon L. Alder

 

Some things worth sharing


Stay connected! Follow me on Instagram, Facebook, and Zomato. I also am on VSCOTwitter,Goodreads, and wherever, just search @themhayonnaise. XOXO

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