Haha! I said it’s funny, because I started listing the pros first and suddenly I had nothing to write under the cons list. I mean I had to re-read my previous posts and Google “what’s sad about being a single parent” just to make myself remember. Or maybe the time I was drafting this was just a happy day? Ha. I’m not actually sure why I always call myself a single mom when R is also there trying his best to be a dad.
Anyway, re-reading was effective (that’s one of my reasons why I journal!) and I remembered everything exactly the way I experienced and felt it the first time. Pain, sadness, madness, stress, blah blah…
When you’re not feeling well, and no one is there, you have no choice but to inspire yourself. It’s hard and I understand. There are times you just like to give up and disappear. Bwisit na heartbreak diba. But you have to go on not just for yourself but for your loved ones.
I did almost everything just to help myself get back up from depression. Lesson learned: drowning yourself is not bad at all. It’s risky, yes, but you’ll see what’s deep inside you and you’ll know how to fight for it. Imagine yourself literally drowning: the first rule is don’t panic, calm yourself, and slowly you’ll realize you’re already peacefully floating. Well I guess except if there’s a storm or if there’s a shark or some creepy creature (well, it’s a vast ocean).
Anyway, here’s my short list of stuff I was thinking the moment I was drafting this. Haha! Silly.
- Admit it, it gets lonely sometimes. Of course. Especially if you were just in a happy relationship then suddenly ,you woke up alone. Honestly, I still cry at random times (night, day, every morning, when I shower, when I feed my baby, etc.) when I remember how I realized that I’m just expecting too much. Sometimes, I can’t control it and I just wait for the tears to stop or maybe just freeze there in the eye. Haha.
- Even if you’re getting a little help form others, you feel it’s not enough. I am living with my family and thank God I do. I get a big help especially for when I am at work, or when we’re going out for dinner. I also get a little help from R financially which I am adding to Mneme’s savings. When I think of it, I get the help I need, but sometimes I just feel it’s not enough. Maybe because I still feel overwhelmed and pressured with all the responsibilities.
- You feel guilty for feeling sad, because you think being sad is selfish. I see my daughter every day, and I witness not just her cries but her laugh and her smiles. And sometimes I feel guilty for cursing her dad. Hahaha. I mean, here’s a wonderful gift, a beautiful angel, and all I did was rant and get angry and shout and feel bad and sad. Every single time I cry, I feel guilty as if I can’t accept the gift of God.
- Depression. All of the above items are just a summary of my story of depression. I honestly feel glad they’re slowly fading away. I still get mad at R sometimes, but I can already make jokes. Bitter jokes, though. I already can say “thank you”, and I mean a legit “thanks”. I think those little steps on moving on is great.
- You learn how to multi-task. I am a multi-tasker ever since I got many stuff to do, but being a working mom is different. I don’t know how to explain it, but let’s just say “give me more task, I can do it in one day.” Ah! You feel soooo productive everyday. Or inspired. Whatever.
- You can pinch your baby a little because she’s just so cute. It’s not too hard, but at least I get time to cuddle my baby at the end of a tiresome day. Though I know I still have some mom duties to do, I already feel way better when I pinch her, kiss her, hug her, etc.
- You meet loads of people and maintain social life. The minute I opened myself up to social media, I got mixed reactions from the people I know. Some of them were proud, some felt sorry, some were happy, and of course, there are people who said I should have just shut up and not make my life public. Well, FYI, there’s more to my life than what I post here or on social media. I don’t publish everything. Anyway, what I am thankful for are those new friends
- You can sleep on the same bed. Of course, if you’re with your partner, you can both sleep with your baby on the same bed. That is IF you have a king-sized bed. But I don’t have one. We both don’t have one so it’s a bit nice to have the bed with myself and the baby.
- You pray. I am not a big fan of prayers. well, I believe in God and I talk to God, but I don’t “pray” pray. See, when we say “pray” we usually think we’re asking for something. I don’t usually ask anything from God, but with Mneme, I learned not just to thank Him, but to believe he really answers prayers.
- You have a stress-reliever available 24/7. Mnemosyne sleeps on a baby bed beside me every night. At first, I was scared I might hurt her, ang likot ko pa man din matulog. But it’s surprisingly easier than what I have thought and it helps a lot relieving all the pagod, the stress, the worries, and all just seeing her smile when I kiss her goodnight.
- Happiness and pride. I am very proud of my daughter and of course with myself. I’m mentioning it here NOT to brag, but maybe to inspire other single moms not to give up. I know we don’t experience the same situation, and we are affected in many different ways, but if it helps, think of yourself as your child’s Wonder Woman, see if you still can’t get inspired.
Reading my own list, I mean, all of the keypoints above, makes me realize how blessed I am not to get carried away with everything I have been through. I mean, I’ve been there and honestly I’m still not over it, but I can see both the ups and downs now and for me, that’s a big step to feeling better.