I’ve been drafting and updating this post every night before sleep for more than four weeks just so I could share what I really am going through and also some points I found in the internet that really help me go along this journey. So sorry to my family who thought I was just “always” on my phone or if I go out too often or if I spend money too much or if I couldn’t respond with isang tawagan lang and to my friends who thought I was too “madamot” to show Toyang in person or for making bullies a joke or for when I was too ma-drama sa chat. I was (and am) just trying to help myself, emotionally.
My “issue” may be too shallow for some, but it is a hell lot to me. So thank you in advance for having time reading this. Thanks for liking or sharing or reading my social media posts. Thanks for coming with me when I want to hang out, or when I need someone to talk to. Thanks for every little help you all are extending.
Just a reminder, I wrote this not to make papansin, or paawa. I know I said “no more drama”, but the concept of “speaking up” helps more not just me but my friends and hopefully other people who are suffering or almost suffering depression. I wrote and shared my stories to create awareness and to inspire people. Kaya natin to.
The silent killer
To be honest, I used to think suicide was stupid. Maybe as a child, I didn’t know much about life’s challenges or pain. I thought depression was as shallow as being sad, and anxiety was just as simple as feeling uneasy. So yeah, I get those people who also think this way, because I’ve been there.
The thing now is I’ve also been in the shoes of someone depressed. And I still am. Just recently, my partner and I had some misunderstandings and we broke up and that triggered a real-life nightmare.
I lost all the interest to everything. I became mad, and sad, and scared all the time and I didn’t even know why or what was I afraid of. I thought there’s nothing worse than being lied to while pregnant and being betrayed right after giving birth. I lost hope and I thought I could never feel any better. Until one day, I woke up desperately wishing I was dead.
I know my problem was very common – a guy left you alone, found another woman and that’s it, you just have to say bye with or without getting an explanation why, blah blah blah. Many guys do that, sadly. But I was pregnant with his child, and he did all of those too quickly and it hurt me a lot. I was actually making myself ready, because hello, we didn’t see each other for months and he didn’t even bother to ask how was my pregnancy, what more did I even expect. I actually asked him, “pede ba iapply natin yung three-month rule ng One More Chance?” Haha. Pero iba parin pala kapag nandyan na sa harapan mo.Hindi ka na makakapag-joke. Hindi ka na makakapag-isip ng maayos. No matter how much “ready” you were, if someone you thought would never hurt you ACTUALLY hurt you, wala ka nang kawala sa lungkot at sakit.
But it’s not just that. For the record and not to boast, I can easily make myself happy (fake or not). But to be honest, I haven’t moved on yet. I mean of course, it’s just a couple of months since something and someone confirmed the news. But I really try to get myself together fast enough to take good care of Toyang. And what’s actually depressing is not just the betrayal, not just the lies, but the regrets, self pity, guilt, and self-blame.
Anyone can move on from an ex who mistreated you. Anyone can forget how much pain they’ve caused you. Anyone can actually just hate that person for life for hurting them or they can just forgive and forget. Or just say FUCK YOU and then turn around and just live a happy life. I mean, ugh, they’re just boys who are good at pretending they’re already a man. Dito na papasok yung bwisit na concept ng “Wala naman na tayong magagawa e.” We can let things be. We actually SHOULD. But self-forgiveness is just not an easy task.
It came to a point when I pointed my finger to myself. Ikaw kasi, napaka-nagger mo. Napaka-immature mo. Habol ka ng habol. Ikaw kasi, ang pokpok mo. Pumatol ka dyan, nagtiwala ka dyan, agad after a few months? Then you expect him to love you ng buo? It came to a point when I thought Toyang was just a responsibility and that it was her fault. Sana kasi hindi ka nalang nabuo. I knew that’s just the most painful thing a daughter could hear from her parent/s, but I thought of it anyway. AND THAT IS DEPRESSION. THAT IS MY STORY OF DEPRESSION.
Depression is when you can barely control your mind from thinking of the negative or dark side of life. Depression is when you can’t control yourself from killing you emotionally or even physically. Depression is being highly sensitive on yourself and being insensitive with others. Depression is when you feel like drowning but you have no courage to save yourself anymore. Depression is loss of inspiration. Depression is loss of faith. Depression is a nightmare. Depression kills.
I want you to understand that depression has a broad meaning and almost unexplainable. Even I mentioned a lot about my own experience, even I typed in tons of definitions, the true feeling of being depressed cannot be explained even by the person who suffers from it. Hell, I have almost two thousand words just on this post but I’m most certain you won’t still get me even after reading this. And that exactly is the reason why people with this mental illness become either aloof or just faking happiness.
So I’d like to thank the people who attended my parties, those who talks to me about everything else, who go out with me, who let me just go and explore the city or a nearby town, thanks to those who read my nonsense blog posts, viewing my IG stories, thanks a lot for keeping me FROM thinking about what just happened. Thank you for trying to reach out even if you don’t understand exactly what I am going through.
Speaking of, I learned that the opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality. And I knew I wasn’t strong enough to think or feel that I was vital. The feeling was literally a real-life nightmare. I, like any other people, normally think of the people I loveto inspire myself to go on. But it didn’t help either and only made me more sick. Maybe if I haven’t thought of shifting my mind and think of the people who love and need meinstead, maybe I was already gone.
Looking at the bright side
I was in serious trouble, and I knew I needed to do something. So instead of letting myself drown in the sea of whys and what ifs, I listed in mind the people who actually cares for me. I knew silence would just make it worse. So I talked to the people I trust and shared what I felt. I wrote on social media (though I am well aware of some people who had the “ang OA naman ni May, lahat nalang issue” kind of reaction) and on this blog. I also read articles about self-care and then listed things I want to accomplish.
One of those is picking a cause and be an advocate. I’ve been a supporter of different kinds of outreach programs and donated different kinds of help since I opened my mind and heart to the people who need help. And now, aside from volunteering activities, I’d want to know more, or even everything, about mental health and how can I extend my help to those who suffer similar issues as I have.
Unfortunately, when I tried Googling for help or for groups or organizations who help, I didn’t saw one. I mean, there are, of course. But help doesn’t have an easy access, and volunteering doesn’t have either. But hey, the Mental Health bill is now approved and it is really a big start for the people who are involved in any way.
Remember there are soooo many beautiful reasons to be happy. I totally get the feeling of being broken and all, and I know quitting is the easiest way to end it all, and I know you’re tired of this but you gotta stay strong. And even if you could only think of just one good reason to stay, it is enough to help yourself stand and start again.
What’s getting me through
While Mnemosyne is now my biggest inspiration, I can’t hide from the fact that she’s also a reminder of what her father did and made me feel. And just to be honest, I really want to put that in the trash already and try to start over. Instead of feeling bad, I want “inspiration” to dominate my heart and my mind, I still want to believe in love, I want to believe and love myself and my life again.
And I know that before it’s too late, and in order to have that sparkly fancy golden inspired lovely heart and focused mind back, I need to start forgiving myself first, forgive the father of my child, embrace my life, and trust God in leading my way. My ultimate life goal? I want Mnemosyne to grow up as a reminder of how brave and strong her mom is, and a reminder that every child is truly a symbol of love. My journey back to being well may still be a loooooooooooooooooooooooooong way, but see, I am trying hard to take the first small steps.
The second season of 13 Reasons Why is now streaming, and if you haven’t watched it yet, here’s a little spoiler: at the end of the season, Hannah’s mom found this list Hannah made. If there is a list of the reasons why, there is of course a list of the reasons why not. I was already expecting this, but it still changed the way I see the story.
It takes only one reason for you to fight for your own happiness, and that is “love”.
What we all are looking for is love, and if it’s not a reason for you to go on, then I don’t know what else. If you feel like you don’t have the capability to love anymore, it is important to start falling in love with yourself first. I understand there are times you get pretty overwhelmed by life, but honey, that’s life. That’s what it does. Remember you’re stronger than you think you are.
I used to list things that make or could make me happy. But this series made me realize things I never thought before. Making a list of why you’re mad or sad or happy won’t do any help, instead, it will just make things worse. The only thing you need to keep in mind during times of trouble is the one thing you love the most and the people who love and care for you.
Here’s a tip. Instead of listing reasons, list things that you want to do instead, or places you want to visit, or films you want to see. If you really are a fan of “lists”, like myself, write things you can look forward to instead of sticking to those that only holds you back.
Be inspired, and then aspire to inspire
In addition to the links above (please take time to read and watch!!!!), I’m glad to share a few more things today.
- These books from Austin Kleon’s newsletter. I will be sitting these for the next month’s reads.
- Netflix has been a very good friend to me lately. So aside from binge-watching Suits and Friends, here’s 10 films about mental health (wala sila sa Netflix mga beshie pero hanapin nyo nalang sa iba haha) I will start watching soon.
- I found this group, Youth for Mental Health Coalition, in case you’re also interested to see how these kinds of organizations help.
- This book, and a list of questions that will help you focus on what matters.
- More Ted Talks about mental health (oh these are good, I’ve listened to 4 talks so far, but I can already say this list is great).
- The first step in fighting depression is to not punish yourself for feeling bad, and here are more ways to help you start.
- I am a book lover, and I really love reading. So here’s 12 more books for anxiety and depression.
- These quotes and this article for us to understand more the meaning and feeling of depression.
While finalizing this post, I realized I love sharing what I am learning from my every day experiences, my everyday reading, and those kinds of stuff. People ask “what do you get from blogging?”, well, I don’t advertise so obviously I am not getting any money from it, but I’m sure there is at least 1% of my blog viewers that are reading my post ’til the end and an inspired and informed reader is what I want to get.
I really hope you read this ’til the last word and if you did, thank you soooo much. Please do know that if you are suffering from depression, I am here anytime ready to listen and if you’re not comfortable on talking about this in person, I encourage you to have at least a personal journal, write about everything you’re feeling, and let it all out.
Hugs and kisses,