Week 23: What I learned

The past week was not-so-good for me and Toyo. Well, not okay especially for me. One of those hell weeks, really.

I just uninstalled all my social media apps from my phone supposedly to avoid stress from those stupid fake news and articles. I loved reading, don’t expect me to just scroll up and down the timeline without reading anything posted on it plus the comments. Yeah, my bad.

So I decided to ditch those apps also to limit myself on using phone during pregnancy. They say it’s actually not that bad, but better to limit yourself from it. I still check my fb though, but on my laptop. At least minsan tatamadin ako mag log in kasi nakakalimutan ko yung password. This week I was working from home, so I left IG installed bec #buryong. I was working every after two hours, to finish something I probably will need by Feb. And then another two hours to rest my scoliosis.

But whatever. That’s just a quick update in case my friends are already looking for me on Messenger. [Update: I installed Messenger back. I miss my friends who are not willing to install Viber. Lol) Today, I’m going to share how was Toyo’s 23rd (and few days of the 24th) week and some things I realized and learned during those days.

Never again

Last week, Tuesday, I woke up with an unfamiliar pain in my tummy. I asked my mom if that was normal, she said no. It was so painful, and I was super scared, I didn’t go to the office for work. It was like menstrual cramps but much more weird. My tummy became harder, and I felt Toyo moving just below my belly button. No, far below my belly button.

It was a sudden pain in the morning, and another at around noon. I felt better after lunch, so I decided to ignore it and thought maybe I was just super hungry.

The next day, of course, my officemates asked what happened and if I were okay. So I told them the story, and the worried titas advised me to go to the doctor and have Toyo checked. And so I went.

Toyo was fine, but the OB (good thing she’s very honest, maybe bec I was with no one so she needed to tell it to me directly) said what I felt were signs of premature contractions/labor. The baby was only more than 5 months, so it was actually not yet safe for Toyo to come out. Her exact words were “kapag lumabas sya, hindi pa sya mabubuhay”.

I honestly didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to react. I felt the pain twice, and I ignored it. I actually made it worse. I just said “okay, thanks”, after she gave me instructions on what to do next.

I finally broke down and cried when my sisters and my mom and dad were already there. I gave them the bad news, and then I cried hard. I was soooo scared and sad I didn’t know what to do. I asked Toyo not to get too excited and wait for the right time.

The OB gave me meds after I had my ultrasound. Thankfully, Toyo was fine and (literally) kicking. My baby was too hyped, it’s kicking my insides. The meds the OB gave me, I just recently learned, were to avoid premature labor. It is23, , and the other meds, are indeed expensive, but whatever, I need them for Toyo, and I don’t want to feel and cry that way again. I don’t want to risk Toyo ever again.

23, 24 ,and counting~

“There is no better feeling than the movement of life inside of you.”

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Today Toyo is already in it’s 24th week. The last week was indeed a challenge, and I expect more challenges to come. Being pregnant is really not a “normal” task of a woman. These pain are common, but really a tough challenge and definitely not normal. And I am proud I am doing okay so far.

Aside from being (obviously) pregnant, I didn’t expect any more challenges before. Kylie’s blog post inspired me to go and speak out. I mean, I don’t actually have to, but part of me actually thinks I need to.

Stress and depression are two common things during pregnancy. But it doesn’t mean it’s normal or it’s okay. It is not a joke or a shallow thing we think we can ignore. Imagine feeling like crying but you can’t because you’re concerned about the baby. Imagine keeping it all to yourself for your baby to somehow feel okay.

#BeastMode

Some say I’m just at the right age to have a baby. Not too old, not too young. That being a mom at 26 is just right to give yourself and your baby time to do fun things together, or have that connection or bond others are hoping for, while at the same time being able to work for a living to support yourself and your kid.

I have to admit, I didn’t want this either. I wasn’t ready for it. We didn’t plan for it. Bullsh*t, right? What did we expect? Today I just realized, wala naman sa edad yan. If your mind and heart are not ready yet, you’re not ready yet. BUT BEING “NOT READY” AND “HAVING NO PLANS” ARE NOT REASONS TO JUST ABANDON YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES AS A PARENT.

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I’m just so disappointed, and disgusted, by those people who are so hyped to do these things with their jowas but when responsibilities pop up, sasabihin nyo hindi kayo ready. Na hindi nyo matanggap. Honestly, what did you expect? A “thank you” cake after sex?

I shut my mouth up for half a year. Maybe, just maybe, speaking out can help me breathe better. I don’t care about people who doesn’t care or those na magagalit or maiirita on me posting this. I’m just so tired of crying myself every night. Sorry, Toyo, for keeping you up every time before I sleep or even every morning. Sorry for making you feel stressed and helpless. I really try hard to do anything to entertain myself to make you feel better inside my tummy – IG stories, paintings, work, journals, books, sweets, fruits, etc. I’ll try harder this time. I love you more than anything, Toyo, let’s be strong and face this together.

Going through this chapter of life (taray), I learned few things. Hopefully sharing these bullets would also help you girls and guys:

  • I knew depression is real, but it is more real this time. Even when you want to stop crying or being sad, you can’t just “snap and stop”. So speak up and ask for help. Your family and true friends will always be there.
  • Stop faking things. Yes, showing people sadness won’t do anything, but showing them fake smiles won’t do any better. Magmumukha ka lang g*go.
  • Trust your partner, but don’t love them more than yourself.
  • Find a way, not an excuse.
  • You can’t “buy” responsibilities. Maybe just spend it for yourself and get bigger balls, honey.
  • Walang cake after sex. Kung magpapadeliver kayo, edi good. #RedRibbonSupporter

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3 thoughts on “Week 23: What I learned

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